I often think about who I would be if I hadn’t met him …
I’d probably be a gourmet cook or at least a dang good one. But he ridiculed every attempt I made, no matter what cookbook I used as a guide. And it wasn’t that it was “okay” or “not bad”. My cooking was HORRIBLE, something the DOG wouldn’t even eat.
So nowadays I take joy in cooking for me, or for my kids, but no one else. It isn’t worth the stress. It isn’t worth the tears. Every now and then I try but for the most part, I’m okay with the way I am.
I’d probably me a world-renowned activist or scholar or some wildly successful someone. But he criticized every word I said, back when my thoughts were new and fragile. He highlighted how dumb I was, how uninformed, how uneducated, how I simply wasn’t worth listening to.
But nowadays I do speak, often, as often as asked. Some may even think I speak too often and that’s fine. That’s their opinion and they’re free to have it but for me, I’m just going to continue to speak through words, thoughts, actions, in every minute of every day because I can now, and I’m okay with the way I am.
I’d probably be in great health too, with a rock-hard body that I would shamelessly show off in amazing clothes on the reg. But he highlighted every single flaw, every hair out of place, every lacking part.
But nowadays I stand naked in front of a mirror and think, “Not bad girlfriend!” Nowadays, I fight to feel okay about my perfectly imperfect body, the one that has carried me through every insult and every compliment, before and after delivering to the world two amazing human beings. Nowadays, I am more than okay with who I am.
Yep, I often think about who I would be if I hadn’t met him but then I realize that without him, I wouldn’t be the ME I have grown to love. So yeah, in spite of it all, I’m glad I met him because I’m okay with who I am.
Damn okay.
I love you!
HUGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Sandi
***This is an excerpt from Sandi’s most recent book, “I am Awake …”. available for purchase on her website or on Amazon.ca.***
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